Greasy hair and Eye-shadow don't mix.
by Izaayous
Summary: It's potions class and Neville goes crazy, what happens? Snape happens to turn into a woman! Can he survive ? Heh heh! ^_^
1. The Horror

Disclaimer: Firstly the Harry Potter characters belong to J. K. Rowling, Secondly and most importantly, I got the idea for the plot from Atheis. I've even written to her to ask for permission. 

Snape scowled darkly as his gaze swept over the entire potions class. God, he hated them.

His eye came to rest on Neville Longbottom. Granger was tutoring the buffoon, as usual. He slouched over to Longbottom's pot. 

"I'm warning you Longbottom," he drawled relishing the terrified look spread across the boy's face. "This potion better be perfect, boy, do you hear me, PERFECT! " The boy nodded violently, "And I mean without Granger's help." Both he and Granger turned red.

"By the way, thirty seconds till inspection." Their jaws dropped, "But-but—" Granger sputtered, "Twenty seconds more!" Snape yelled as if he hadn't heard her.

Neville started working feverishly, he threw everything he could get his hands on into his cauldron, "Ten, nine, eight…" he broke into a cold sweat as the potions master begun the countdown, "five, four…" the class begun to stare at Neville in amazement as he deftly ground his wand into a fine powder and tossed it into the pot which was bubbling and slopping over its brim.

"Two, one! Stop work…Longbottom I thought I instructed you to stop work? Longbottom! Get you paws off that girl! Look here! Hey! I insist you give her back her hair! Wait a minute…" A deranged Neville with curiously twitching eyes advanced on Snape. 

"Get away from me! Do you here! St-Stand back!" The students screamed warnings as Neville backed Snape towards his cauldron, which was now shooting arrows of some burning liquid in all directions.

"I'm warning you!" shrieked Snape, " Stand back! No! Get away from- AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Uhhhhh…." Snape groaned, he opened his eyes to see Madam Pomphrey, Dumbledore and the entire potions class staring down at him.

He knew something was wrong, he felt strange, he felt different, he felt…"Peculiar. I'm feeling very peculiar at the moment." A feminine voice said, voicing his thoughts.

_Why are they all staring at me like that? _He thought. "What do you think, Poppy?" muttered Dumbledore, his eyes as big as tennis balls. "Never seen anything like this in my life." She muttered back, her eyes were as big as dinner plates.

Snape got up groggily to his feet, there was definitely something wrong, he truly felt different, and he felt heavy around the chest for one thing. People begun to snigger, even Dumbledore and Poppy smirked.

"Why? What are you snickering about?" there was that female voice again. Ron exploded in laughter, "He sounds like he's on helium!" he chocked. By no the whole room was in tears. Snape also felt rounder around the hips…

"A mirror, I want a mirror!" he exploded, where was that damn voice coming from! Everybody was laughing too hard to pay him any attention howev.

Snape grabbed his wand, his hand shaking violently. A mirror appeared before him.

Snape saw himself, but it couldn't be! Snape didn't have huge dark eyes, and thick red lips and full bulging breasts!

 "Looking good, Professor!" Malfoy gasped.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

For the second time that day, Severus Snape fainted.

A/N: Heh heh! Ain't I a stinker?


	2. Dress-up Dillemas

Disclaimer: Everything apart from the one's NOT mentioned in the books belong to J.K. Rowling.

Author's Note:  Just want to say a big THANK YOU! To:

Trunks Admirer-I know the real Snape wouldn't scream anything like that, but under _those_ conditions, who can blame him…

Otaku-nut44

Shasta- glad to have made your day.

Angelic01- you're reading this because I mailed you. Should I mail you every time I post up a chapter?

Crystal

The Slayer

Kit Cloudkicker- I know,* grins maliciously *, that's why I did it.

Madelaine

Kathelene Burnell

And more especially

A-random-Turkle – Who has really inspired me

And

Atheis- Who gave me permission to use her plot. Read her story, _Man. I'm a woman_, it's very good! Thanks all you guys! Now on with the fic!

 "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO BLOODY CURE!" Snape squeaked, her midnight black hair somehow standing straight on end.

"I'm sorry, Severus, but you will have to wait till the potion wears off."

"TILL IT WEARS OFF! WHO KNOWS HOW LONG THAT'S GOING TO TAKE! I COULD BE STUCK LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!"

"I really don't think your screeching is going to change anything."

Snape visibly shook as she struggled to keep her rage under control. Dumbledore flashed her a smile, infuriating her even more. The headmaster addressed the rest of the staff.

Everyone's face was a deep red. Snape, from rage and the rest from trying their possible best not to laugh out loud.

"I would like to take this opportunity to plead with the entire staff body to make our um…_brother's_ (snickers) life as pleasurable as possible in light of his present predicament."

They simply nodded.

"Minerva," her head snapped up, eyes red from unseen tears of laughter.

"Please escort Severus to a local dress shop for a change of wardrobe."

"Have you stopped to consider for a minute that I may _not_ want to wear female clothing?" Filch couldn't stand it any longer and toppled over as he was fed a vision of the potions master in a bra. Snape glared.

Oh, come on, Sevy." McGonagall ushered as she looped her arm around 'Sevy's' and dragged her away.

I'm thinking this suits you better, Sevy,"

For the last time, don't call me by that name!

Anything you say… Ooh! This one's much better, has a softer tone, but you may also want this one for special occasions…

Minerva?

Yes?

You _do_ realise that you've taken out more than forty-seven different shades of black?

You're right. I'm being silly, let's take them all!"

Yipee.

Just one more thing before we leave.

What?

Now for the underwear!

Snape: …* blink *

Approximately one hour later, the new and improved Severus Snape hobbled into the staff common room.

"Christ! How do you people _stand_ this !?" she complained to McGongall as she stopped her underwear from its ride up her rear.

"And these shoes!" If I wanted to cut off blood circulation to my feet I could easily have hexed myself."

She slumped into a chair, took off her high heels and pointed her wand to her face. "What are you doing?" yelled McGonagall as water burst forth from the wand tip. "You'll ruin your make-up!"

"Well, at least I'm assured that this concoction will come of. I'm telling you, Minerva, it's coloured mortar!"

She finished getting the make-up off her face and yawned, displaying a set of sparkling white teeth, which were once yellowed and crooked.

"It's late, I'm tired and frankly, I don't think I can withstand any more torture for the day." She stood up and headed towards the door.

"Don't forget your heels."

"Do you honestly _expect_ me to wear those torture trainers again?"

"You have to practise moving around in them." Snape put them back on amid a lot of muttering and curses.

McGonagall watched, amused, as she sauntered out with the gentle sway of the hips she had taught him to move with.

The dark figure moved deeper into the shadows as the one it had been waiting for moved clumsily by. Why hadn't it noticed before, how had it evaded it?

Well of course, the broken-in-a-hundred-places nose and the over-oiled hair were a definite turn off, but still…

It heard her footsteps echo in the deserted corridor, she must've reached the stairs by now.

"PEEVES!" I heard the object of his affection cry out, "Get away from me, you @!&*(*%^$%(*^($%^%!" The resounding echoes blocked out the last words (A/N: I couldn't think up a suitable insult for a poltergeist, tell me if you have any ideas.)

"IF YOU SHOVE ME ONE MORE TIME…"

It pained it so to hear its love in discomfort.

"HEY! PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!"

A whitish blur whizzed by it as it heard its beloved crash down the steep stairs, blasting a torent of curses all the way down.

My, what language, it thought to its self as he slipped away.

A/N: ^_^ Who is the "dark figure" (I left a clue to tell you a smidge, two clues, in fact)? Will Snape ever change back? And will she ever get the hang of walking in heels? More to come! Thanks again to all you wonderful reviewers! 


	3. Toiletry Terrors

Disclaimer: All character's mentioned belong to the talented J. K. Rowling.

Author's Notes: Thanks to all the twenty one who reviewed chapter's one and two, you've all really touched me.

Chapter 3;

"A-And whe-when I woke up, I found this!" Snape wiped the perspiration off his brow and shakily handed the card to Dumbledore. The headmaster read it out loud:

                               "I love you bip,

                                I love you bop,

                                I love you better than a pig loves slop.

"Very…poetic, I think."

McGonagall strode into Dumbledore's office, took one look at Snape and asked, "What's wrong, Albus?"

"It seems one of the students has taken an interest in Severus," he smiled, also passing the note on to McGonagall. She also broke into a grin.

"_I really don't think ther'es anything to worry about, Sevy, in fact, I think you should feel honoured."_

"I don't think I can ever go to sleep again. To think that someone was in my room, _looking at me, __touching me!" she shuddered, "I feel so __violated!"_

Dumbledore and McGonagall stared at her. "Let's change the subject," the headmaster broke in suddenly, "Minerva, about that little matter we discussed…"

"What matter?" enquired Snape.

"Oh…yes," said McGonagall, blushing furiously, "I believe that I shall embark on that project today,"

"Why, what's going on?"

"But I _do wish you could've picked someone else…"_

"WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE HIDING FROM ME? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!"

"Well Severus,"

"*Sarcastically*Yeeeeeeeeeees?"

"Well, you know how men and women are different in the interest and outside?"

"Yes, what has that got to do with anything?"

"And you know how their bodies function differently?"

"Umm…does the phrase, 'it's that time of the month' mean anything to you?"

"No. Why? What are you trying to tell…??? *goes very pale* Oh my…"

McGonagall threw the used pad into the waste basket with disgust, "Amateur," she muttered under her breath, much louder, she said, "Are you done in there, Sevy?" "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU-YOU-FREAK!" Snape screamed from the enclosed toilet room. McGonagall sauntered out of the washroom with a malicious look on her face.

 Snape just sat on the toilet seat, what a horrifying experience! What had that monster _done to her! __Am I to go through this forever? she thought to herself._

He heard the door creek; _Oh no… was she coming for another round of torture?   _

He shuddered in terror as he heard the footsteps advance closer, closer, closer…and entered the stall next to her. Snape breathed a sigh of relief to herself. "Just one more-one more-time…"

_Now what was going on? She quietly stood on the seat and peered into the stall. Good God, __Is that Granger?, it was. __What's she doing with that syringe?_

"Just one more." Hermione muttered again, she looked terrible, she was gleaming with sweat, the moisture made her hair hung in thick braids and she looked very pale.

Snape was about to enquire about the situation when Hermione rammed the syringe into her arm. Snape tried to scream, but all that came out was a small, "eep."

She watched as Hermione threw her head back in relief and then proceeded to sniff a whitish substance. With her little 'operation' done, Granger left the washroom.

"I'm telling you, Lavender, you should tell Ron the child is his."

"But I already told Harry that's it's not, I can't wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt him like that."

"You've really done it this time, Lavender."

"You're telling me, my real problem now is Draco."

"_Now_ what's his problem?"

 He's stopped paying the child support money."

Lavender/Whoever she was talking with: *walk out*

Snape:…

"Fred, do you really think we should be doing this here? It's the girl's washroom!"

"I know, Parviti. And that makes it even more naughty." *grabs Parviti"

"Oh Fred…oh Fred!"

Snape…

Hours later at the Infirmary:

McGonagall to Pompfrey: And when I went to get him, he had this _look_ on his face, like he had been scarred for life or something…

A/N: I know, I know, this was a little naughty.^_^. It's just the unholy satisfaction I get from torturing the poor guy that does it! Thanks again to all those who have been reviewing, please continue, you really urge me on. More of the 'Dark figure' in next chapter!


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